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On Why I Will Never Again Eat Cup Ramen Unless I’m Starving, and Even Then I May Choose Death

27 Apr

Ramen’s one of those deliciously unhealthy foods that teenagers and 20-somethings love. Cheap, quick, and easy, this is the meal of choice for many college students. Some even become burnt out on it after eating it so often.

Ramen poses a few problems, though. First, one brick of ramen is actually TWO servings. Personally, I’m of the opinion that the companies should just list the health information for two servings as one serving to avoid this confusion and the possibility of having to use mathematics to figure out how many calories one is actually eating. Also, I think it’s kind of false advertising, and let’s be honest with ourselves and the world: who actually eats only half a brick of ramen? Seriously? Do you know anyone that breaks it up and eats only half? No? I didn’t think so.

Ramen also has multiple forms. There’s the brick ramen, of course, and then there’s…

…cup ramen.

Cup ramen has never been good to me. Ever. I initially ate it because it was a novelty and reminded me of Japan.

But seriously, it’s awful.

And tonight, the awfulness of cup ramen proved itself once more when I went to the kitchen, grabbed the cup ramen that’s sat in our pantry for over two years (if I had to estimate), and proceeded to try my fantastic Beaux magic on it.

However, the wily creators of cup ramen are vastly superior in their Dark Culinary Arts than I am in my own Culinary Arts, and thus, I lost this battle miserably.

How do I explain? I planned to boil the ramen in a sauce pan, so I made an Indian mixture that included curry and turmeric. The mixture turned out quite delicious, as a matter of fact.

Then the ramen laughed at me as I tried to remove it from its styrofoam cup.

So I went to the next best option- pouring the hot mixture into the cup and allowing it to sit for three minutes.

I succeeded in dying the ramen yellow thanks to the presence of the turmeric. What I did not succeed in doing was flavoring the noodles in any way. Despite the hot sauce, despite the MSG, despite the profuse amounts of curry and turmeric,

THE NOODLES WERE STILL BLAND!!!

Three bites into the cup ramen, I cut my losses and threw the remainder of the noodles to the rest of Creation, my offering to the Divine Feminine and the Oneness of Life.

I made a simple mistake, the mistake that so many Americans make: I allowed my hunger, combined with me instant gratification complex, to guide me to the most immediately available food. I would say that this, not an unhealthy diet, is the reason for obesity in Americans. We settle for just whatever is quickest because we’re responding to the hunger instinct inside of ourselves. Unfortunately, the unhealthy foods seem to be most readily available.

Either way, this was my last tango with cup ramen. Though it ranks below “squash” on the Unholy List of Foods God Should Never Have Created, it has made the list none the less, which is a feat in itself.

So go eat regular ramen and ask me how to cook it- I know how to make that stuff taste fantastic.

Beaux

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Posted by on April 27, 2011 in food

 

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